20081126

The heart of transmittance


I was fucked up, yet I could be able to be nowhere. To stick in this country, this town, this room and this body. It's really long time that I haven't been like this situation, or I may never be like this before. And the worst part is not just for the present which is the memory to stay in the basement of my mind, and I open it that I recognize all the imagination I created like a mirage. Then I find It that's invisible and may never exist in the reality; or I assume to live in the Laputa that causes I feel flowing in the air, no gravity, and no reason to be seen.

If I could say something without using the words, I would prefer to sing the song. The song has to be sung front of people that indicates I can stand on the road
aboveboard. No ambagious, no ambiguous; not complicated, not conflicted. It has only the melody with rhythm, like Keith Jarrett playing the piano or I can brief it's the heart of transmittance; bright and clear, pure and peace.

How can I distinguish the cannal of the
chemistry? Where should I go toward in the correct stop? What is the final distination of mystric relation? Who will be the absolute dependence in my limited few decades? People come and go, I stay and walk; one day it's going to appear in the end, but it's not the time to reveal in the neutral.

Life is difficult. More than that is to live like a ghost. A living ghost. A non-sense living ghost is meaningless to be around at the crowding floor. If you can realize what I tell of these trash talks that means you are pretty much the same foolish as myself.

20081117

Dotage


We dance boogie-woogie, we love monkey funky;
we play sticky tricky, we find nippy chilly.

We do
lazy crazy, we are muzzy dozy;
we feel dizzy
sleepy, we dream fuzzy hazy.

20081116

The "Sam"; the "same".


The "Sam" is just the "same".

"The "Sam" looks exactly as "same" as common people; "same" faces "same" bodies, "same" hands "same" feet. The "Sam" has always only one thought, and the thought is always as "same" as ordinary man. The "Sam" speaks just as "same" as the way you talked, very fast and super slow, would be stumblingly and could be fluently. The "Sam" is also as "same" as myself. We eat the meals with air at the "same" time, so our stomaches usually feels uncomforable, or we swollow the foods without chewing, then go to toilet couple times in one moment. The "Sam" is certainly as "same" as him, walking slowly, falls down even the road has no hole, moreover he likes to pretend belonging the family of long leg and is constrained to climb the floor by merely two or three steps.

The "Sam's" hair is not long and not short, the "Sam's" skin is not dark and not blank. The "Sam's" room is not huge and not tiny, the "Sam's" clothes are not bare and not plenty. The "Sam" has works, the "Sam" has holidays; the "Sam" had sex, the "Sam" had dreams. The "Sam" cries, the "Sam" smiles; the "Sam" is anxious, the "Sam" is irascible. All of those aspects in his life are as "same" as common lives which have no different with normal human. The margin and the frequency of his life are all the "same"; the "Sam" has never done anything which is difference. The "Sam" just likes to be exactly as "same" as common man.

The "Sam" cares about the difference, he is afraid to be not the "same" as common people. The "Sam" wants to alive, the "Sam" wants to die. The "Sam" likes to killing, the "Sam" likes to hybridizing; the "Sam" likes stoned, the "Sam" likes drunk. The "Sam" loves someone, and usually the one is as "same" as regular one. The "Sam" also betraies someone whom is as "same" as himself. The "Sam" does the "same" thing. The "Sam" doesn't dare to do the thing that is different. The "Sam's" world only allows the "same".

The "same" is just the "Sam".

*Translative version from the used article.

20081114

Amnesia


Let's talk something about memories. The memories flowing in our mind create certain shapes and patterns to appear in the reality which occurs at our suroundings whether it's truly existence or false appearence. People used to defraud themself. People are good in composed those visionary images to imitate as the beautiful woven gauze dancing in the air, like the fog, that causes the sight easily to be the blurred transparentcy.

The vancant gaps are the spaces that people to choose forgotten. We don't know what's the hole between each other, eventhough we innocently believe rest of the immense dimensions where
have never been examined the reliability. Once of my friend asked me:

"Do you think without the memories that people is still to be human being?"

"Perhaps I should try to be."
I answered.

"To be what?"

"to be not to be anything."

The conversation sounds like simulated Shakespeare saying, but somehow it appeals the complex substance. As well as the interpretation of practicality is so unpredictable, and the contained possibility is indeed low-pitch. I thought about the movie "enternal sunshine of the spotless mind", which showed the pictures that the impulse is the most significant factor to determine the pathway of recollction. When I fall in love with someone, I feel like marching in the maze whether I attempt to going out or not. Therefore, the choice of memory becomes the complicated diversification instead of the easily dualism.

"If we can't remember it all, we should at least have some idea of what we have forgotten." Clive James said so. However, if we have already forgotten something that are forgotten whether we would like it to be remembered
or not; how can we ensure it is the certain memories that we want to recall, or in other words, to be lost?

20081103

Suddenly, I realize the meaning of people crying.


Why am I crying so? I thought I am not so emotional anymore, but the tears still drop by to the cheek, unstoppable, til the coner of the mouth. Friends said I always constrain myself. I always give back a smile to them. I realize somehow people cannot be judged by a simple way, especially from a easy result.

I miss almost everything in my home town. However, I am also glad I can push this far away distance to look through whether my surroundings or myself. I wrote the letter to my brother. He is a tough guy, as same as all my family members no matter who is male or female. Last time I saw the tears droped from his eye that is more than fifteen years ago, and I understood I could never be the way of his crying by any sort of method.


Now I sit front the dining table of my Dutch home, the song in my iTune is frequently playing with slight winds; and I am on the road which cannot return such as the time would not be switched back again. Independence day, Elliott Smith is singing the meanful lyrics with magnetic sounds.

20081102

Exist


Somehow I felt I could only write down all the vocabularies and phrases that I knew; with regard to those feelings and vibrations that is not my oral abilities to describe it.

I listen music all the times when I am doing any kind of activities. Trying to listen music until I have had the disgusting earwax. Sometimes when you are hearing one song like you see a word long long times; it transforms to other substance. Or like at another afternoon, you recognize youself is not your own ego. The face on the mirror looks like a strange thief stealing your unique body then you attempt to enter yourself by numerous methods but it fails.

The disaster is as same as you cannot identify with youself.

After the bath, the look of resurrection makes me want to stop the times at the moment forever. I would love to take the bath with you at the meantime if I could. Two naked bodies match up perfectly and precisely. Meanwhile it does not matter to feel about good or bad, yes or no, true or fake and beauty or ugly; the love is going to become the black hole, then at the same time the black hole has the meaning to exist.

*Translative version from the used article.